EMOTIONAL BS ~ A Breakthrough Book by Dr. Carl Alasko

Focus on Being alive
Monterey Herald Column, April 3, 2011

Dear Dr. Alasko: My husband lost his job last year and any new job pays half of what he was earning. We’re struggling emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. We’re being forced to change our long-held expectations and all our plans for the future. I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts about how to avoid depression and fear.

Dear Reader: I’m really sorry to hear about your serious financial difficulties. Your letter hits every major issue that’s affected by loss of income. Fear for the future is the most painful and debilitating, and can bring on hopelessness and depression.

In the practice of psychotherapy, there’s a particular process that’s used for clients who face an acute crisis. It’s called, appropriately, crisis intervention, and it focuses on the most basic elements of survival.

As an example, if you’re trapped inside a building after an earthquake, the most critical issue is being able to breathe, staying warm … and being rescued. If you’re not injured, can breathe and stay warm, all your attention is on surviving. All other issues are irrelevant.

In a way, losing a job and being forced to dramatically downsize requires a similar focus. Now you need to put all your energy into what’s absolutely essential. All your plans for the future have to be re-examined and modified.

Focus on being alive, uninjured and able to breathe.

As you already know, unrestrained fear can be very dangerous. Losing your income provokes fear. However, fear comes in many different potencies. There’s the immediate fear of solving today’s problems. Then there’s the paralyzing fear you project into the future: Will things ever get better?

The first step is to vigorously practice positive thinking. Take long slow breaths and repeat, "I will survive, I will prosper." Injecting this positive affirmation into your life helps defeat the negative thoughts that drag you down. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to give yourself positive, forward-looking messages many times a day.

You also have to be on the alert for self-blame: criticizing yourself for somehow bringing this on. You should have, why didn’t you, etc. Whenever you notice critical and accusatory thoughts coming into your mind, rigorously shut them down. Counteract their effects by repeating the positive mantra. Also, stay away from comparing yourself to others more fortunate. That’s a deadly trap.

Next, focus on the day-to-day needs of your life, and calmly address the changes you are forced to make. Whenever you feel fear and anxiety (also resentment and anger) running through your body, sit down and consciously calm yourself. Ask the fear to leave: you don’t need it. All it does is make you feel worse, and it saps the constructive energy you need to take any steps toward the future.

Finally, make a list of the positive physical qualities in your life (health, family, friends), and your personal attributes (determined, optimistic, practical, intelligent, etc.) and read this list several times a day.

And, the best of luck.