Dear Dr. Alasko: My husband lost his job last year and any new job pays half of what he was earning. We’re struggling emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. We’re being forced to change our long-held expectations and all our plans for the future. I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts about how to avoid depression and fear.

Dear Reader: I’m really sorry to hear about your serious financial difficulties. Your letter hits every major issue that’s affected by loss of income. Fear for the future is the most painful and debilitating, and can bring on hopelessness and depression.

In the practice of psychotherapy, there’s a particular process that’s used for clients who face an acute crisis. It’s called, appropriately, crisis intervention, and it focuses on the most basic elements of survival.

As an example, if you’re trapped inside a building after an earthquake, the most critical issue is being able to breathe, staying warm … and being rescued. If you’re not injured, can breathe and stay warm, all your attention is on surviving. All other issues are irrelevant.

In a way, losing a job and being forced to dramatically downsize requires a similar focus. Now you need to put all your energy into what’s absolutely essential. All your plans for the future have to be re-examined and modified.

Focus on being alive, uninjured and able to breathe.

As you already know, unrestrained fear can be very dangerous. Losing your income provokes fear. However, fear comes in many different potencies. There’s the immediate fear of solving today’s problems. Then there’s the paralyzing fear you project into the future: Will things ever get better?

The first step is to vigorously practice positive thinking. Take long slow breaths and repeat, "I will survive, I will prosper." Injecting this positive affirmation into your life helps defeat the negative thoughts that drag you down. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to give yourself positive, forward-looking messages many times a day.

You also have to be on the alert for self-blame: criticizing yourself for somehow bringing this on. You should have, why didn’t you, etc. Whenever you notice critical and accusatory thoughts coming into your mind, rigorously shut them down. Counteract their effects by repeating the positive mantra. Also, stay away from comparing yourself to others more fortunate. That’s a deadly trap.

Next, focus on the day-to-day needs of your life, and calmly address the changes you are forced to make. Whenever you feel fear and anxiety (also resentment and anger) running through your body, sit down and consciously calm yourself. Ask the fear to leave: you don’t need it. All it does is make you feel worse, and it saps the constructive energy you need to take any steps toward the future.

Finally, make a list of the positive physical qualities in your life (health, family, friends), and your personal attributes (determined, optimistic, practical, intelligent, etc.) and read this list several times a day.

And, the best of luck.

Dear Dr. Alasko: My siblings are all married and have children, and we have three grown children and seven grandchildren, which adds up to a lot of people competing for time and resources. Since we tend to be the most stable and economically successful, we get a lot of pressure to help out whenever there’s a crisis, real or imagined. Is there any way we can show that we’re caring people but not feel like we’re the family’s private bank?

Dear Reader: This is a question that touches on a vital issue within any family. Namely, how to attain a balance between being helpful and caring, but not overextending yourself to the point of harming your own emotional and financial health.

A parallel question is how to be overly helpful to the point of creating a dependence. When you help too much, you risk "enabling" the family members to maintain a dysfunctional attitude about "deserving" assistance. This attitude says, "Since you can help, you must help."

Before I suggest some practical guidelines, there’s a mantra that I have found to be most helpful in all these situations. My colleague, Patricia McDermott, suggested it years ago and I’ve used it constantly ever since.

Four simple words: It’s not my life.

These words state an obvious truth. No matter how much you might care about someone, ultimately you have your own life to live. Although every parent I’ve even known would be willing give up his/her own life for the life of their young child, this belief does not apply to the adult child. And it certainly does not apply to other family members. If it did, emotional chaos would result.

Here’s the three specific guidelines that can help you make practical decisions about helping family members.

· First, is your assistance essential to help a situation that the person truly cannot resolve on his own? An example would be helping pay for college. The student has no ability to earn enough money.

· Second, is your assistance part of a system of dependence? Is there a pattern of irresponsibility which your support helps to maintain? Coming up with an answer requires judgment and analysis.

· Third, can you truly offer the support without resentment? Again, the answer requires thoughtful analysis.

One of the best responses to requests for help is: "My spouse and I need a few days to think about it." This allows you time to deliberate thoughtfully. Then you’ll need to set limits — and stick to them.

Telling yourself "It’s not my life" puts everything into perspective. Sometimes saying no is the wisest course, although it might cause some resentment with the person who believes he deserves it. But then, it’s not your life, or your resentment.

Dear Dr. Alasko: My husband and I are struggling with our 17 year-old son going to parties where there’s always alcohol. He insists he drinks very little, not like some kids. My husband wants to forbid him to go to any party where there’s alcohol, but our son says that would mean not going anywhere. We drink some wine or beer at meals and I believe that a more flexible attitude is best. What’s your opinion?

Dear Reader: Guiding your teenager through the mine field of substance abuse is one of parenting’s greatest challenges. We know that adolescents are very susceptible to both peer pressure and the fantasy euphoria provided by alcohol and drugs. So where does a teenager get the strength to say no to something that feels so good, and may also bond them to a group of friends?

Parents must do their part in teaching their children to handle these very dangerous substances. Yes, I believe the substances are very dangerous, especially for adolescents. While most kids come through adolescence without a major addiction, about 25percent of all people are genetically programmed to become addicted to something. And the addiction can become a lifelong struggle. So if teens don’t learn how to use alcohol with respect and judgment, the enjoyment of alcohol switches over to a desire for the effect, which is intoxication. If this isn’t managed, the results can be serious, sometimes fatal.

Can the ability to deal with dangerous substances be taught? To a large degree, it can. Which method is most effective? Here’s what doesn’t work: Lectures about abstinence, total prohibition, or isolation. It’s futile to prohibit a teenager to taste alcohol until they’re 21, at least in our alcohol-saturated culture.

What works best is a living example of moderation and intelligent messages to reinforce the behavior. If you drink wine with dinner, this moderate use will create a lived memory of personal responsibility.

There must also be well thought out rules about use of alcohol at someone else’s party. Again, total prohibition is ineffective. But total prohibition of abuse, i.e. drunkenness, is essential. As well as never, never, never driving after drinking. Or riding with someone who is. Every year we lose a carload of kids to a drunk teenage driver.

Another reason for your child to learn the moderate use of alcohol at home is to prepare him for the time when there will be no restrictions. We all know the tragic stories about the college student who binge drinks and gets alcohol poisoning. Or who uses every weekend party as an opportunity to get disastrously drunk.

Some of this behavior can be traced to lack of experience at home. Some is due to the lack of emotional connection to the parents’ values of moderation and responsibility. And some is due to a genetic program for addiction.

If there’s a family history of alcohol addiction, this increases the tendency toward alcoholism and requires even more diligent attention to the issue.

Dear Dr. Alasko: I’m in my mid-60s and have noticed I’ve been more forgetful lately, which really worries me. I just finished an online training program that’s supposed to help brain functioning and stave off dementia. But every time I misplace my keys I get really anxious, and my spouse also gets upset with me. Is there anything I can do about my anxiety?

Dear Reader: There are two parts to your question. The first is the stress caused by worrying about your mental abilities. Bluntly, stop worrying! Every time you get upset you shoot a tiny amount of cortisol into your blood that triggers your adrenals to produce adrenaline, which makes you more stressed — which degrades your physical body.

The overall research on brain "deterioration" emphasizes the severe negative effects of worrying about your possible deterioration. You need to develop a more holistic approach to the process of aging and simply refuse to worry about every little mishap.

Having said that, there’s a lot you can do to improve brain functioning. And it will help to know what has been proven to have no measurable effects: vitamins, omega-3s, flavonoids, statins, aspirin or estrogen. Nor does any special diet help. Yes, individual studies can conclude that "hype-heavy" interventions work, but that conclusion is likely to be wrong because of who’s doing the research.

Furthermore, cognitive exercises such as crossword puzzles will only improve your ability to do crossword puzzles.

"The research so far suggests that cognitive training benefits only the task used in training and does not generalize to other tasks." (Yaakov Stern, Columbia University)

Doing one task over and over reduces the need for what really does build neuroplasticity: attention. Being forced to focus and demand that your brain do something it doesn’t easily do (that’s not habitual) requires attention, concentration and effort. That’s why learning a new skill or language is so helpful to brain health.

Then we come to the Holy Grail of brain health: exercise. "A year of exercise can give a 70-year-old the brain connectivity of a 30-year-old, improving memory, planning, dealing with ambiguity and multitasking." (Art Kramer, University of Illinois)

Dealing with ambiguity is one of my favorites because it seems that’s one quality that older people lose. The "crotchety old geezer" (or geezerette) has lost the ability to see two sides to a situation. They’re not elastic emotionally, physically or mentally.

So if you’re serious about maintaining your cognitive processes as the years pass, get out and walk vigorously for 45 minutes three times a week. Get your heart-rate up and keep it there for a while. Join a health club and put yourself on a regular regimen of rigorous exercise. Lift weights and work your muscles.

Above all, stretch and stretch and stretch and stay limber. Practice yoga or tai chi and go dancing. And while you’re at it, stand up straight. A slumpy posture creates a negative mental attitude.

Dear Readers: Last year, after writing a column about the consequences of having an affair, I received several requests for a reprint. Here’s that revised column with some added thoughts.

The core idea is that having an affair can generate negative effects that persist for a lifetime.

In our culture, there’s a tendency to downplay the negative effects of an affair, especially when the two parties have not yet entered into a legally binding marriage. "He/she cheated on me," is a common comment. This statement seems to equate sexual infidelity with copying a homework assignment.

Sexual infidelity within any committed relationship is a big deal. It’s the highest form of betrayal. And yet, our society tends to downplay the seriousness of sexual betrayal.

The reason affairs are so (relatively) common is because the biological need for sex is connected to the emotional need for connection and affirmation. If a person isn’t getting enough love and affection in his/her relationship, that person will look elsewhere. And why not?

Well, there are some very solid reasons for why not.

Here are my guidelines for having a sexual affair outside of marriage or any committed relationship.

· Recognize and fully accept the fact that you are permanently surrendering your right to be completely believed and trusted. Like a piece of cracked porcelain, the rupture can be glued back together but the crack will still be there. Honesty, trust and faith are the most vital qualities of humanity.

Once these have been compromised, the process of regaining those qualities may take years, even decades of work, and may never be fully accomplished. And if there are multiple ruptures to the vessel of trust, the damage to your ethical structure truly becomes irreparable.

· Recognize that the deviousness required to prevent an affair from being discovered requires an ongoing deceit and ethical violations that constantly compound the betrayal. The lie that "We’re just friends! Nothing’s going on!" will never be forgotten.

· Recognize that the person you’ve betrayed may move toward forgiveness and appear to have healed from the betrayal, but buried in the wound will be an infection that will always be painful. Yes, life can continue, but some recognition of the pain caused by that wound will always play a part in your life.

· Even when an affair in not discovered, suspicions and doubt eat away at everyone’s sense of security. Not being able to look your partner in the eye and feel 100percent honest is a profoundly horrible price to pay.

What to do? When tempted to have an affair, tell your partner that you’re on the verge of betrayal. Talk about it before the betrayal. This action requires courage and emotional strength. (A therapist can really help at this point.) Don’t allow your slippery brain to convince you it’s somehow OK. It’s not, and it never will be.

If that doesn’t work, then physically separate. Only when you’re physically separated are you able to ethically have sex with another person. That’s the purpose of ethics: to prevent deception, betrayal and hypocrisy.

Dear Dr. Alasko: My younger brother played sports and has always been my dad’s favorite. My sister and I never seemed to matter much. My mother died a few years ago and our dad has become more dependent on my sister and I for his care.

But even now my dad’s helping out my brother, and has even declared that he’ll get most of his estate. He won’t ask our brother for help because "he’s busy." How do my sister and I deal with my father’s favoritism, especially now that he depends on us?

Dear Reader: You have quite a dilemma. Before we get into suggestions, we need to establish some basic facts about human relationships. The most fundamental is that everyone has equal rights and equal value. Within the family, all children are equal.

We’ve come a long way from the 1700s when children were chattel, daughters were married off often against their will, the eldest son inherited everything, and the father controlled all financial decisions.

We now accept the equality of both genders in every area of our life. Every child is born equal and does not have to prove him or herself to be deserving of love and support. Not only does favoritism go against the social progress we’ve fought for, favoritism is morally reprehensible and deserving of condemnation.

So your starting point is moral and ethical. Your father and brother have absolutely no moral or ethical standing if they connive to discriminate against anyone in the family. Sure, I know people are endlessly creative about justifying their unethical treatment of their children — favoring one over the other. These justifications are usually based on deception and hypocrisy. Within the range of human behaviors, hypocrisy is one of the greatest crimes because it professes one thing and does another.

How to handle your father now? Begin by telling him the truth. Confront him with his overt favoritism (showing him facts, figures and behaviors) and lack of respect for you and your sister.

You need to hold him accountable for his behaviors and tell him it needs to stop. Most likely he’ll deny it, or else accuse you of distorting history. People, especially parents, hate to be confronted about their relationship abuses.

But you must stick to your demand that his behaviors change. But now that your father requires care from you, you have a right to operate with honesty and truth, not continuing the hypocrisy.

Suppose he refuses? If he continues to treat you badly, he is violating the basic father/child relationship based on mutual respect and honesty. The violation may be so severe that your moral obligation to him is also compromised. He says he owes you nothing, so neither do you owe him anything. He’s on his own … by his own doing.

Your own self-respect and self-esteem demand that you protect yourself from abuse — in any form and from anyone, including a parent.

Dear Dr. Alasko: We have three children, ages 15, 13 and 10. With every passing month they become more demanding. Our son is clamoring for his driver’s license and a car. Plus they argue a lot, which wears out my wife and I.

We believe we’re loving, attentive parents, but our kids seem to think it’s our job to satisfy all their demands. We know other parents who don’t have so much stress. What can we do to make them more appreciative?

Dear Reader: The question of why some parents have an easy time with a child and others struggle does not have a simple answer. Parents who seem to "do everything right," who stay together and are supportive, might still face years of struggle. Each child’s unique personality can present specific problems that sap the parent’s patience. Some children are naturally cooperative and others argue about every detail.

Keep in mind that, typically, the problems of growing up tend to work themselves out as the child moves into adulthood — assuming the parent survives the process.

In several columns in the past, I’ve suggested the need for parents to develop a well-defined child-rearing strategy that they can constantly refer to (and adjust) as the years pass. Your strategy has to function like your anchor that keeps you from being swept away.

I know of a mother who developed a very effective guiding principle. Whenever her child does not succeed brilliantly, or just refuses to participate, she recites to herself, "I’m not responsible for my child’s success." She also reminds herself: "I provide what I can to the best of my ability, but I can’t push my child to be more successful than she herself wants to be."

These quotes embody a fundamental issue in all healthy relationships: good boundaries. Rephrasing it: "As your parent, I do everything I can do for you, but your success and happiness are up to you." Embracing this attitude relieves you of the constant worry about being the super parent.

So, let’s address your oldest child’s expectations. The best way to cope with this problem is for you and your spouse to take a few hours to carefully craft a list of what you will and won’t do. Part of the list will be non-negotiable. For instance, "We will contribute X dollars to your car. No more." The negotiable items would be his car insurance, curfew, allowance, etc. His rewards would be earned by levels of success at school (grades) and cooperation within the home (reduced arguments).

Many teens have a difficult time equating effort with reward. The ones who can make this connection usually succeed in every endeavor. Others may not get the unalterable relationship between self-discipline, effort, persistence, etc., and the rewards these attitudes bring until they’re in their 20s. Some never do.

Metaphorically, your job is to set the table, serve the food and invite them to eat. It’s not your job to force them to enjoy the food, and definitely not to make them special dishes.

Dear Readers: Last week’s column about losing weight focused on getting yourself mentally ready for making big changes. Long-term success depends on thinking about the changes you’ll need to make before you actually stop eating certain foods and replacing them with others. The key is thoughtful, incremental adjustments.

Eating habits have profoundly deep roots in our psyche. Most diets begin with enthusiasm that digs into the upper inch of our behavioral turf. While down below, the fundamental attitudes that power our actual behaviors remain untouched.

The first place to begin is developing a list of your motives for losing weight. These reasons will provide the energy to maintain your motivation, your drive to stay on track.

The motive "I want to look better" is fairly weak and easily defeated by the habitual part of your brain that might tell you, "Oh, you look OK." A more negative program in your brain might tell you, "You’ll never change, so why bother."

The reasons you want to lose weight must be powerful enough to defeat all the historic habitual messages that will erode your determination to succeed.

The best motive is your long-term health and quality of life. You must be absolutely convinced that lugging around 20 to 30 more pounds will make every part of your body and mind function less effectively.

Imagine yourself in the future. If you’re steadily gaining weight, where will you be in five and 10 years?

Fear of heart problems, diabetes, stroke, worn-out joints and resulting lack of movement and mental deterioration can be a powerful force for change.

Once you’ve settled on your reasons for changing your diet, then you need to reinforce those positive messages — before you make actual dietary changes. The more deeply rigorous and disciplined you are in reinforcing the messages, the more successful you’ll be.

Craft your own messages and compact them onto a 3×5 card. You might write, "I want to stay healthy and be able to think clearly." Even more strident would be, "No heart attacks or diabetes for me!"

The words have to be utterly convincing. Carry an index card around with you and read it several times during the day. Simply stated messages that you repeat frequently will cut into your habitual ways of thinking and can move you toward changing your behavior. Imagine it as internal propaganda.

The next step would be to restructure your thinking about fatty, hyper-caloric foods. Go over the list of foods that are most seductive: ice cream, desserts, chocolate, French fries, etc. You don’t have to never eat them, just slowly reduce the frequency. If you order fries twice a week, eat them once a week, then once a month. Set specific limits that you can incrementally diminish. Fries once a month become a treat, not part of your ordinary nutrition.

The overall approach is incremental, not drastic. Above all, changes in your thinking must precede changes in your behavior.

Dear Dr. Alasko: Before I turned 40 I could eat just about anything and stay fit. But every year since then I’ve added a few pounds and now I’m 20 pounds overweight.

All my attempts at dieting haven’t worked. A friend thought that psychology might help and hoped you might have some ideas.

Dear Reader: I definitely have ideas.

The principles of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the type I practice (and is practiced by most therapists), can be very helpful. CBT addresses how your ideas, beliefs and attitudes influence the things you actually do, your behaviors.

CBT focuses on solutions and uses your history only to help understand how your past influences your current thinking. Long-term success requires working on both thinking and behaviors.

Because food is essential to life, and certain foods are intensely associated with pleasure (and with your history), your attitudes toward food are deeply ingrained in your psyche. You must know what those attitudes are and then slowly begin to reshape them before you begin trying to lose weight. If your family frequently used certain rich foods to celebrate, or sweets were an everyday part of meals, you must now address the need to realign your thinking about those calorie-rich foods.

The main reason diets fail is because people begin the diet too abruptly. They build up some enthusiasm and immediately start with radical diet choices.

The psyche can muster the energy to make short-term changes, but habits that are deeply rooted in our nutritional history will not easily yield just because you’re momentarily desperate. It’s like trying to stop a deep-flowing river with truckloads of gravel. Eventually it all gets swept away. So you need to draw up well-engineered plans to divert the river’s flow into another channel. Then manage that flow for the duration.

Long-term management is the key phrase.

Begin by reorganizing your attitudes about food. A meal does not have to include dessert. Likewise, if you think of French fries and ice cream as comfort food, you’ll need to re-label them in your mind as dangerous. They are dangerous to your long-term health.

Don’t actually change any eating behaviors until you’ve spent a few weeks thinking hard about all the changes you’ll have to eventually make, and your attitude toward those changes. Write out a list of the foods that will no longer be welcome in your kitchen, the comfort foods you will no longer buy— when you’re ready. Writing things down and then reading them repeatedly reinforces the message. Some people post signs all over their home as reminders.

It helps to assign a numerical value (1 to 5) for each change. If potato chips are a "5" (you love them!), you’ll have to get that number down to a 1 or 2 before you can actually stop eating them forever. With constant reminders, your attitudes will slowly shift.

Your thoughts are very powerful. They must be used in the service of your long-term goals.

Next week I’ll discuss "relapse prevention" and organizing your thinking for "permanent motivation."

Dear Dr. Alasko: Our 17-year-old son just hangs out with his friends, plays video games, and barely gets C’s in school. He doesn’t even want a car since his buddies drive him around. We worry that he’ll have poor-paying jobs all his life, or live with us.

He smokes pot occasionally and we wonder if that’s his problem. Is there any way to get him to face reality about his future?

Dear Reader: You mention that he smokes pot "occasionally." I’d bet that he smokes every day and that might be one source for his lack of motivation.

But we need to ask the eternal chicken/egg question: What motivates a teen to smoke pot frequently? Does an intrinsic lack of ambition push a person toward a drug that reinforces lack of motivation?

Even if that question had an answer, it would be irrelevant. Now you must deal with the reality that exists. What you can do is plan for your future since you’re unable to get him to plan for his.

How can you "get him to face reality about his future?" You yourselves can’t. Sorry. Perhaps when he was 10, restricting access to TV and video games might have helped. And you should have been really strict about drugs. But if a young person is truly intent on doing what he wants to do, nothing short of exile to the Arctic will suffice. Oh, and there they have booze.

But you can get rigorous about the immediate future. The first step: how you will deal with him after he graduates high school. He’ll legally be an adult. You are no longer obligated to house or feed him. If he continues to live with you, then you must work out very specific requirements as adults that you insist are maintained. Otherwise, your current situation might continue for decades! I’ve known parents who were still trying to motivate their 35-year-old.

If you grant him permission to live in your home past the age of 18, you can now treat him as an adult. The most essential requirement would be a full-time job or full-time study. And you have a right to demand a drug-free home. Random testing for drugs is easy and inexpensive.

Enforcing all this will be daunting because just reaching 18 won’t change your son’s personality structure. What’s to stop him from continuing to do exactly what he’s doing now? Chronic marijuana use constructs a reality in which consequences don’t exist.

Why wouldn’t he believe that your enabling behavior is as much a part of your personality structure as his lack of motivation is part of his? Logically he’ll assume the status quo will continue.

Conclusion: You and your spouse will need to work out your bottom-line expectations for the next phase of your son’s life, and your own. This should involve many discussions seated at the dining room table working out the specific consequences for relapses. Whatever you decide, keep it simple, and write it down.